august 9, 2022

long time no see! i've been really busy with back-to-school stuff (i'm part of a leadership program, meaning i get to do school things a week before everyone else), my job, and volunteering. i'm not ready to start my senior year because it means time is passing at the speed of light and i need to start my college applications - i had been planning to apply regular decision in january, but for scholarships i may need to apply early, aka two months earlier - but i'm excited for the senior privileges & whatnot i'll get. my goal this school year is to go to a ton of shitty high school parties. i don't know why, since they'll all be full of people i can't stand, but since elementary school i've had this bizarre and uncharacteristic dream of being a party animal... i've managed to befriend this guy i work with who's one of those popular football bros, so who knows, maybe he can be my ticket into the Wild World of suburban highschool parties. oh the depravity! however, i've heard he's a blue lives matter supporter and i don't even like him all that much so that probably will not go anywhere. i think fate may be trying to set us up or something because we're in like 3 of the same classes plus the leadership program. and i had a dream where we were dating. WHY??

to follow up from last time, i am going on testosterone woo yeah! i got my blood drawn for the first time today (ouch) and if there's nothing sus about my blood then i'm good to get my prescription and stuff aaaaa !! i go back to school thursday and i feel like for one brief moment in my life everything is going decently and i don't have a one way ticket on the struggle bus. all my friends are busy tho so i won't be able to do anything fun before school, plus i have to get up at 5AM tomorrow for leadership stuff. butttt, i'm gonna walk down to the store later (in desperate need of candy and makeup) and go to the pool. yesterday i went to the pool and swam for half an hour after 3 years of not swimming due to a potent combination of pandemic and dysphoria. of course, then i got chased away by these kids doing cannonballs so i sat at the poolside reading Oscar Wilde's classic, evocative tale of aesthetic beauty, the picture of dorian gray, as it was intended, surrounded by loud children and wine moms.

last night i also watched the lair of the white worm, a really trashy horror movie where Peter Capaldi and beady-eyed baby Hugh Grant slay a giant worm and an evil snake dominatrix lady. boy howdy it was a lot to take in. i'm currently reading the mothman prophecies by John Keel, which has very little to do with mothman and seems to confuse nonwhite people for aliens, and his majesty's dragon by Naomi Novik, which is so much fun and i can't wait to read the other books in the giant series. i'm in a rut music-wise, i'm tired of all my music so i'm listening to Lydia Lunch's podcast. she says so many ... problematic things but it's pretty entertaining. i'm always amused to find out that yeah, every underground artist in the '80s knew each other. we could've had a Foetus and Einsturzende Neubauten tour with Lydia Lunch?!

that was a whole lot of rambling but i haven't used my physical diary in ages so i have no idea what to talk about.

july 23, 2022

i love getting misgendered by everyone at my job :))))) it's almost funny sometimes when people will ask my name & then ask me to repeat myself 3 times with a confused expression, like yes i have an almost universally masculine name for which there literally isn't an english feminine version and i look gnc. sorry for the bother? and then they go on to call me *my name* with an -a stuck on the end. i don't even care to correct people at this point because i'm likely never going to see them again and it's just a hassle but still, quite irksome. i have an appointment to see about getting on HRT next week though (after 6 months of waiting *just to talk to someone* not even get on it yet aaaaaa). everything is bad but i'm getting waffles with my friend tomorrow :)

july 21, 2022:

so it begins... like a silly fool i spilled an entire glass of water on my computer and had to get it fixed, meaning i wasn't able to get the rest of this blog up and running for a while. i got to see kraftwerk in concert this month which was super crazy aaaa - yes, it's just ralf hutter and 3 *non-original* kraftwerk members but it was still a total riot and also my first concert ever!! i'm also working a retail job now and i feel my soul getting yanked out of my body every time i go in to work but it's alright otherwise. it pays (when they actually schedule me). i'm really stressed about college but you couldn't do anything to make me write those essays at this point. you could hold a gun to my head and i would gladly accept my fate rather than write some fake-deep sentimental bs about why i'm a minority and the obstacles i've encountered in my life. i know, logically, that i'm perfectly capable of completely phoning it in on these essays, but i do really want to try, even though i do not have it in me to try right now. also my mom really wants me to apply to columbia (?!) which means i've really got to give this my all. i simultaneously want & don't want to go back to school - i miss my friends and hate feeling like this aimless person, yet i know that i'm going to be suffering and agonizing this year with 3 APs and a job and volunteering and college apps. waaaaaa i can't take it, but i've got no right to complain since i literally brought all of this upon myself. i'm also like really really obsessed with hellraiser now, so i present to you my theory which i lost sleep over last night....

why hellraiser 2 and jurassic park 2 are practically the same movie

  • both dinosaurs and cenobites fill the same role of the morally ambiguous "Other" creature in their respective franchises. in the first movie, they were portrayed as the seemingly obvious villains, although neither would be a threat in the story if it were not for the actions of humans who meddle with things they shouldn't in order to fulfill their desires at the expense of everyone else around them (john hammond/frank and julia cotton). in both jurassic park 2 and hellraiser 2, dinosaurs and cenobites are put in a situation of mortal danger by people whose intentions are even more villainous (dino poachers/dr. channard). the previously malicious entities are now shown as vulnerable and become more sympathetic to the audience, especially in hellraiser 2 when pinhead and the others are revealed to have once been humans. additionally, on the same note, both dinosaurs and cenobites die, revealing that once all-powerful beings can be brought down - this is not triumphant, however, because we have come to see another side to them. yet, despite the addition of things that make them sympathetic, the films continue to use the dinosaurs and pinhead as jumpscare fodder and antagonists, leading both franchises to feel very confused as to where they stand regarding these characters
  • **** the cenobites' mortality in hellraiser 2 parallels jurassic world even better, with the advent of a malicious member of both species (dr. channard and the indominus rex) who has it out for the other dinosaurs/cenobites and generally sucks.
  • both films involve a main character from the previous movie (ian malcolm/kirsty cotton) returning to a dangerous place they barely escaped from with their life in order to save someone close to them (sarah/larry).
  • both films end with creatures not meant to be wandering around earth, namely the dinosaurs and cenobites again, being let loose to wreak havoc due to human incompetence